Today is 20 Jan 2014. It is hard for me to believe that it has been almost six weeks since my wife and I lost our daughter. Since this is my first attempt at this I will have to go back into the reason that I started this BLOG. Today will be a very general post. I hope that in the future I will better be able to organize my thoughts and feelings. I am a retired military man living in Germany. I am married to a wonderful German woman. We have been together over 15 years. We had a wonderful daughter that was our entire life.
Ciarra Joi Rhodes, “CJ”, was 13 years old when she ended her life by suicide. She was not a mean and horrible unhappy young lady. She was a very dynamic and giving person. She was loved by many and she always will be. I do not feel up to going into the details at this point. Perhaps this will change in the future. The reason that I have decided to write anything at all is that my wife thinks that it could be therapy for me. I am not even sure what to write but I will start.
Trying to deal with the suicide of our daughter is unimaginable! We are riding this wave of depression and sadness at all times. There are times of clarity when I actually can see a future. These times do not seem to last very long. I am very lucky that I have my beautiful wife to lean on. Thus far, we have been able to be there for each other. I do not see this changing. The need that I have for her is overwhelming at times. Our life has changed and will never again be what we thought that it was going to be. Our future is day to day and hour by hour at this time.
We are extremely lucky to have so many people that care about us and that are there for us. We are only alone when we chose to be. We have learned many things over the last almost six weeks. We are blessed in many ways. It is very hard to see this at times though. We can be among a large group of people and still feel very alone. we know that others are feeling this pain also. But, not on our level!
I will continue to post my feelings here. Today I am feeling ok. I hope it stays this way. I do not expect it too though. I have realized that tis is also ok. I have to be able to react to the many feelings that are inside. We have professional help and it is needed.
I miss you Ciarra! Daddy loves you! My Baby